Monday, August 2, 2010

Flat as a tack...

A strange thing has happened since I turned fifty... actually several strange things have happened but this particular one involves the government - and the sudden interest they are displaying in my health. Now I've managed to live my first half-century with a sort of need-to-know health ethos, where as long as the bureaucrats don't tell me their health issues, I won't tell them mine. And I thought this was a mutually beneficial arrangement but it seems turning fifty has changed all that. Perhaps I am now High Risk (which is rather ironic given that my lifestyle during my late teens was a hell of a lot more high risk than anything I get up to now). Amongst other missives I have received has been a letter informing me that a bowel testing kit is in the mail (while it may seem less than cost-effective to send a piece of mail informing about another piece of mail - I suppose some things need a little mental preparedness), and another spruiking a free mammogram on offer. This latter was followed, only weeks later, by a rather plaintive note asking why I was ignoring them. So given that I had some unexpected spare time - and my bowel-testing kit had not yet arrived - I did the right thing and made an appointment.
Hmm, how best to describe this experience? Spanish inquisition? Medieval torture chamber? Death by mammary gland? Let's just say that although it was more action than I've had for a while, there was nothing even remotely pleasurable about having one's breast manipulated every which way - and then squished into a fifty-year old pancake. I had right-hand shots, and left-hand shots, and right-angled shots, and left-angled shots, and then - just when I thought things couldn't get any worse - I had nipple profile shots. Four of them. Which seems a tad superfluous but maybe I'm just being bitter. And let me add that I have long had a rather troubled relationship with my boobs anyway. In fact once, about twenty-six years ago, they annoyed me so much I had them reduced. Just to show them who was boss. So this afternoon's show and tell was not even remotely my cup of tea. Proving once more (if proof was needed) that when it comes to the bureaucracy and their freebies - we always end up getting flattened.

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